Homes of Love - Feelings

Focus on Feelings

by Dietrich Seidel

Knowing our feelings means to learn about our inner self. We will then be able to express ourselves more effectively to our marriage partner. In short, we will learn to talk to each other about what is going on in our hearts. The purpose of these reflections is to show how we can gain a better understanding about the dynamics of feelings and how that would improve our communication skills with our spouse.

Feelings need to be understood

Feelings are best described as internal emotional states of consciousness. A feeling emerges as a spontaneous inner reaction to a certain situation involving persons, places or things that we arc experiencing or thinking about. In their spontaneous stage, feelings are not right or wrong, good or evil, but need to be dealt with as they are.

However, in daily life, we do have feelings which we identify as wrong or undesirable, such as anger, envy and jealousy. In general, we are conditioned not to share those feelings which we think are bad, because we are afraid that our partner will reject us once we honestly share how we really feel. In fact, we hold back half of who we are by ignoring the feelings of which we think they are bad. However, only if my spouse knows me in the depth of my heart, he or she will be able to love me fully and vice versa.

Unshared feelings are like time bombs

Once both partners admit that our initial feelings in response to a certain situation just happen beyond our control then they will provide enough emotional space for each other so that they can honestly share their feelings. We need to remind ourselves that unshared feelings are like little time bombs that keep piling up for a later explosion. Usually, we paper over our feelings, but we should treat feelings as they really are and learn to share them effectively.

Here is one example that illustrates the dynamic behind feelings and how easily they can go out of control if we do not find an orderly and structured approach for expressing them. Tom discovered that his wife Laura made a major purchase on her credit card without telling him about it. Worn out by constant budget constraints due to his limited financial resources, Tom felt intense anger when confronted by his wife's irresponsible action. The feeling of anger and frustration simply welled up in him with full force and he felt powerless either to suppress, deny or control his initial emotional reaction. In no time, he found himself entangled in a heated argument with his wife about her spending habits. However, when he started shouting at his wife, he realized that something was wrong with his response to his initial feelings about the issue. He then asked his wife to give him some time to sort out this situation.

We need a structured approach when dealing with difficult feelings

Tom went to a quiet place where he wrote a letter to bis wife expressing honestly how he felt about the whole incident. This was his way of engaging in a structured approach for dealing with his feelings. As he wrote down his feelings of anger, frustration and disappointment about his wife's behavior, he became also aware of the larger context of his relationship with his wife. In other words, he realized that behind all the emotional upheaval caused by the immediate situation there was his unwavering commitment to love and cherish his wife. Now he was ready to develop an effective approach of communicating the necessary steps for solving their financial dilemma, based on appreciation and respect for his wife. Tom could not influence his initial emotional reaction to his wife's action, but in the end he was successful in controlling his behavior by creating enough emotional space for communicating with liis wife in a clear but loving manner.

The above example has shown that even if we cannot exercise direct control over our initial feelings, we have to make provisions for controlling our actions. Thus, husband and wife need to exercise self-discipline and continually seek ways for developing their skills to achieve mastery over their reaction to initial feelings, no matter how intense and overwhelming they may be. Ultimately, the couple will discover that their increasing unity between mind and body becomes the bedrock for marital harmony.

Four basic needs for feeling well

Let us further analyze our feelings. In order to feel well one can discern tour basic needs that are to be fulfilled: need for self-worth, need to belong, need to love and be loved and need for autonomy. Try to be yourself, to be responsible for yourself and to be in touch with your emotional needs. Then we will feel good about ourselves and have green light feelings. When your basic needs are not fulfilled then you are emotionally upset about yourself and end up with red light feelings.

That simple understanding about personal needs and emotional well-being applies directly to the marriage relationship. Spouses need to be in touch with each other based on their feelings, only then they experience growth in their mutual relationship. We need to keep in mind that feelings are a vital part of our communication. Sharing our feelings is more essential than exchanging nur thoughts, ideas and viewpoints. In other words, understanding each other's heart becomes the indispensable foundation for genuine dialogue between the spouses.

Identifying and communicating feelings

We need to distinguish between the experience of spontaneity, having to do with feelings and emotions, and the intellectual faculty of reflection, having to do with thought and opinion. Often we tend to bypass or ignore feelings and find it easier to analyze or rationalize a given situation.

For example, when your wife says to you; "Thank you for fixing the leaking faucet, I like it when things work again around the house". In that situation, you could describe your spontaneous inner reaction by saying "I feel appreciated", expressing a real feeling.

Though, if you would say: "Right now I feel that I am useful around the house" you are not speaking of a real feeling but you are voicing a thought or opinion. Even' time you say "I feel that..." you are expressing an opinion or judgment, for example "I feel that I have too much work to do". However, by saying "I feel overworked" you are communicating a genuine feeling.

Expressing our feelings needs lots of practice

How to describe our feelings? First, we practice labeling our feelings: we feel happy or sad, peaceful or angry, proud or disappointed, secure or afraid, pleased or disgusted, encouraged or hopeless. Second, we simply share our feelings without justifying them. No explanations are needed why feelings are present, they simply are. Third, keep in mind that "I" statements help to reveal your feelings more effectively. In particular, between spouses using "I" in your talk is a non-threatening way of communicating and your partner will find enough emotional space to be a good listener.

Sharing our feelings as spouses is the first step far rekindling our love

Sharing our reelings is not just a good idea for improving our marital life, but it becomes the bedrock tor rekindling our original love tor each other. When we talk to each other, we do not just speak about things and events but we speak about ourselves, that is our feelings. We want to fall in love with the goodness and beauty inside our partner. We long to get in touch with that original nature which is expressed through the innermost feelings of our spouse.

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